I listened to an interesting podcast this morning on my run talking about why people procrastinate and how that can play into your marriage. Gloria Arenson was saying there are several reasons why people procrastinate.
- They are thrill seekers. The excitement of doing something at the last minute out-weighs any negative impact procrastinating might have.
- They have poor self-esteem and might think they are not worthy or deserve the benefits that getting something done on time would have.
- "I don't want to - you can't make me" mentality of not being able to be told what to do.
- They are afraid. They are scared of failure, scared of what people might think, scared of not doing it right.
This was a very interesting episode for me because I've always been a procrastinator. One of my favorite phrases is "Tomorrow is my favorite day". I've never really understood why I am this way. I know that I operate well under pressure and rarely suffer the consequences of my procrastination (other than stressing out my wife). So the first item on the list is applicable to me. I often delay starting projects at work until the last minute or wait until it is go-time to start getting myself and the kids ready to get out the door. I tend to do my best work when my back is against the wall, and it allows me to have success as a managing partner in a software company and it is a complementary trait to balance out my wife and her stress management skills, but I wonder how often I unnecessarily put myself in situations that require my 110% effort that could have been avoid by starting a little sooner.
The second one is pretty tricky. I'm a big proponent of self-esteem and work hard to build up the people around me and also make sure that I highlight (to myself and others) what I think are my best qualities. But I still battle areas of my life where I am not confident. I was picked on in high school for being small and never really fit in with my peers in school as I was home schooled until fifth grade. So social rejection - or thinking that I deserve to be social rejected - or behavior that could be perceived as social rejection will prevent me from doing something because I'd be uncomfortable if it worked out anyways.
When my wife were dating, our first really big fight (that ended up breaking us up for several months) was her telling me to do something and me telling her not to tell me what to do. We learned very quickly that she would have to make her demands to feel more like requests and that I would have to grow up and realize that big boys sometimes have to do things big boys don't want to. I'm still learning my part of the lesson, and it is a big part of my life. I have a hard time getting up the motivation for things that I don't want to do because I deem them as unimportant or annoying or interfering with what I want to do. Many times I have to trick myself into finding a fun or satisfying aspect in doing something in order to suffer through it. It's kinda sad that I can't just do it because it needs to be done, but I guess it's better than not doing it. But even if I find my own internal motivation for getting something done that I don't want to, it's usually not in a timely matter.
Fear is an interesting one, because it is usually my last excuse for not doing something, and it's usually because I've put it off too long. I don't want to go to the dentist because I'm afraid of what he'll think of me that I've put it off too long. I don't want to return the phone call because I'm afraid they will be mad at me for not doing it sooner. Then there is also the fear of failure (or fear of not perfection - they go hand in hand for me). I really want to run a marathon, but I'm afraid that I won't finish, or if I do, that it won't be fast enough. I know it's not realistic to think that a person should qualify for Boston in their first marathon, but that is what keeps me from really going after it.
So the title of this podcast is called "Stay Happily Married", interestingly enough, it's done by a divorce lawyer, which seems bad for business, but the overall theme of the podcast is how to understand and work though common issues in marriages. This specific episode focused on how procrastination can impact a marriage. As the rules of attraction would have it, most procrastinators are married to punctual people and they don't understand why a person would possibly wait for the last minute to do something. Like anything, the trick is communication and compromise. The frustration felt by the non-procrastinator and the nagging felt by the procrastinator needs to be discussed in an open and loving manner so each person can really understand how the other person feels. This is tricky since it is a core thing and is usually discussed when the non-procrastinator is at the end of their rope! The second part is compromise. The non-procrastinator needs to let a few things slide (or pick up the slack - which will often prompt the procrastinator to action after they notice that "their" job is being done by the other person) and the procrastinator needs to deal with the core issues that are causing their behavior so they can figure out a way to live a less procrastinating life.
This was a very eye-opening episode for me. I've always known I've been a procrastinator, but I never really understood the reasons behind it or how deeply it impacted my daily decisions and how it impacted the people around me. Hopefully now that I understand it a bit more, I can begin to work on the core issues that drive my behavior.
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